Somehow, yeah. I don't know how that works, exactly.
[ She can totally hear Hawke being startled. Ava tries to be a little gentler about it but she already can tell there's no good way to say it. ]
I think it's... I guess because the Beholding would see me as one of its own? I don't know. Jon said I'd stop having nightmares. I guess because the Beholding doesn't care about feeding off of the nightmares of people it considers part of its group. And then I wouldn't have any of the other potential things happen, I guess?
It takes him a moment to figure out how to phrase this.]
Listen, Ava. I... we both know that I don't know as much about this world, and this time, and whatever the specifics are with these... entity things.
But contrary to what Jon thinks, I'm not stupid. There are things in my world that are close enough to this business. They're demons. And they are-- extremely bad news.
[ She's very quiet on the other end while Hawke speaks. ]
I don't think you're stupid. I don't...really think you're wrong about that. They're Entities, yes, but they're...basically Eldritch monsters and embodiments of fears.
And they are not the kind of thing you want to get tangled with.
[Another pause.]
We have a word for people who become entangled with spirits or demons. I've said "possessed," which is one, but it's not what they are. We call them "abominations." Most of them immediately become monsters, hideous, violent things. But some of them are much more insidious. They... almost seem like they're still human. Until they suddenly aren't.
[ Hawke isn't there to see the shift in her demeanor. But her voice, perhaps, betrays some of it: there's a hardening, something cooler, something more focused and less dismissive. The lighter air is gone from the conversation. ]
I know he's getting worse. I know it's going to come to a head...and I know he's possibly going to need to be dealt with.
Oh, Ava, I hope not. I mean, I know that's a possibility, and he's your friend, so I won't meddle when-- if. If it comes to that. And I dearly hope it doesn't, but...
It's not-- this isn't really about him. It's about following him too far. About... about that Institute.
No. I don't. But it's not my decision, and I know that, so all I want is for you to hear me out.
Jon said that he didn't know it was happening to him. That things were going on around him and by the time he realized it, it was already too late. They had their hooks in him.
And that's precisely how deals with demons work. People think they're in control, think everything's fine, that it won't happen to them, and the next thing they know, they're over their heads.
[Maker, he must sound like such a worrywart, or a nag.]
Ava, I'm sorry, but I can't see anything good coming of joining this Institute. It sounds like a mess at best, and the path to something horrific at worst.
The whole point had been to help him. And he doesn't want to be in my nightmares. He can take Statements from me and neither of us will be affected. The whole point was for me to help-- Until now, it's just been me.
[ But now Martin's here. And Jon and Alessandro have been getting along so much more. So, she...isn't sure if she's really needed as an assistant. She can just go clean up the messes, she guesses, but Martin's probably going to take her place.
Does that require signing her life away? ]
I just want to help him. I want to keep him from falling further down this spiral. I want... I want him to be okay.
I know, lovely. I know. I was the same way. I had friends, who--
[Welp. We're going there.]
I had a friend who was an abomination. I wanted to help him, more than anything. I stayed with him, and I did anything he needed of me. I would have given anything I had to make him be all right. And for a while, he was, but one day...
One day, he slipped. He went too far. I couldn't follow where he wanted me to go. But I got caught up in it anyway. I was already too deep. And it only would have been worse if I'd done any more. I only wanted to save him, but I couldn't. And I couldn't give what I had left to try any longer.
[He goes silent for a long moment. Truly, it's obvious he's ducking specifics, but he's at work in a back room and he doesn't think he has the mental fortitude to confront those things, right now, on the phone.]
At some point... you have to decide what you won't give up to save him. I-- I can't tell you what that is, Ava. But you have to ask if it'll be worth it, if you lose him anyway. Or if you do save him, whether there'll be anything left of you to care.
[ The silence on Ava's end is telling, and it is a horrified quiet, lapsing into uncertainty and pain on Hawke's behalf. It parallels herself and Jon too much. But poor Hawke. It's not right that it happened to him. She can hear the tone in his voice.
She's working on putting on her jeans as he speaks, then a shirt, and then she's grabbing her keys and pulling her hair back. ]
I just... I'm sorry, Hawke. I'm sorry that happened to you. You know none of that is your fault; you tried to help him. You did everything you could have done that was feasible. And...I don't think you would have gone any further if you had known, if it was really that bad.
[ She knows Hawke. She knows he's a good person. She knows that he did what he could to try to help to the best of his ability, would do anything and everything. If he had to stop, then whatever it was, it had to have been horrible. ]
I just... I thought, if anyone, it should be me. I'm dead, Hawke. I don't-- Back home, there's nothing for me. When I first decided to help Jon, it just felt like... I don't know.
[ Like it wouldn't matter if something happened to her. She's hardier than the average human and she's seen enough horrible shit that, really, is anyone going to cry over it? And knowing that she's on her own back home... It's just made all of that more obvious to her. It won't matter.
Well. It will here, she guesses. Hawke will care. Jon will care too. ]
I-- I know that it wasn't my fault. [No, he doesn't.] I did my best. [No, he didn't.] Thank you.
[He doesn't like how this has turned into sympathy for him. Because that isn't the point. The point was that he knows where she's coming from.]
You might be dead, but you're not dead. [This confusing old chestnut again!] I mean-- Ava, it doesn't matter if your heart's beating. You have a life, and friends, and thoughts and a will of your own... All of them things that a demon could feed on or take away from you.
I don't want to see you lost that way. I don't want to see you give up yourself because you think that's your only choice.
I know you want to help Jon. I know. I do too. But you don't have to sign yourself away to do that. You haven't so far.
[ Um, no, he doesn't sound very convincing there, thanks. She'll need to come back to that later because she doesn't want to interrupt Hawke's flow as she's walking, heading out of the apartment. ]
I haven't signed myself away because he didn't have a building or paperwork or an Institute. But I've still been helping him. Why do you think I'm gone on days I'm not working?
[ She doesn't want to give too much away. Jon isn't paying her and a lot of her investigating work is done without Jon's say-so and without his knowing, so it's not like he's forcing her to do anything. It just happens to sometimes line up with her own work.
You see? That's what I mean. You haven't signed anything away and you're still helping him. I'm not saying "Ava, don't help him, he's a stupid rude berk who insults other people's dreams and is mean to Hawke all the time for no reason."
All I'm saying is I don't think you should sign with the Institute. Or be officially employed by it. Or like... go there, too often, probably, if there's going to be some creepy eyeball thing trying to suck your soul out of your brain while you read statements.
I know. I know you're not telling me to help him. I just... I'm just saying I don't know how else to help him at this point. I feel like every time I turn around, something else has happened, like he's been cursed or someone's trying to kill him--
I'm not going to stop helping but I have to figure out something else to do. Because he's counting on me joining.
[ And she likes Jon. She wants to help. Telling him she isn't going to sign is going to hurt, and she doesn't know if he's even going to want her to stick around if she won't do that. He'll tell her to cut ties completely and that'll be that. ]
I don't think he's going to demand anything. I think he's going to shove me out.
[ But that's likely a good thing, as far as Hawke's concerned. ]
And he's not 'barely trying'. He's trying. But he's... How do I put this? He's like a fledgling vampire, Hawke. He has no guidance, no control, and he's lost and scrambling around and picking fights with people he shouldn't be. And I get that. I get that a lot more than people understand.
[ It's not fair for her to be frustrated at his lack of control. And she's not, not really. But she also knows some of the struggle he's working through and she wishes he might hear her more. ]
Did I tell you? I was in one of the nightmares he watches. His old friend Georgie. She told me I was better off just...backing away. Even with her, I didn't know what to say. I feel like I'm enabling him, sometimes.
[This would all be a lot easier if Jon wasn't a pissy little wanker all the time. But alas.
Hearing Ava describe Jon like a fledgling vampire suddenly makes a lot of sense to him. It explains why she's willing to put herself out so much for someone who seems more often than not to be a jerk to her. He thinks, perhaps, she sees much of herself in him-- someone granted strange powers and left to figure them out all alone.
Of course she wants to help. And he does too... somehow.]
Yes. Think it over.
I'm-- sorry to bring you down like this. But it's been on my mind. I won't talk about it any longer if you don't want me to.
No, I... Look, you're my friend, Hawke. Your opinion means a lot to me and I know you're telling me this because you care. I know you're not just saying this to hurt me.
[ And Hawke wants to help Jon, if he can, and that goes a long way towards making her feel like this isn't just a ploy to get her away from Jon. This is Hawke genuinely concerned. And it's been a long time since feeling like she could have that with anyone.
She pauses, checking her phone. ]
Oh. He's...texting me right now, actually. Look, I'll let you go. I'll see you later when you come home?
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winterfish
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 07:23 pm (UTC)[Okay. Oooookay. He was just sort of asking, but this just took a turn for the absolute panic.
He takes a breath first.]
So he said... if you worked for him and the Institute, then... that wouldn't happen to you. You'd be protected, somehow.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 08:57 pm (UTC)[ She can totally hear Hawke being startled. Ava tries to be a little gentler about it but she already can tell there's no good way to say it. ]
I think it's... I guess because the Beholding would see me as one of its own? I don't know. Jon said I'd stop having nightmares. I guess because the Beholding doesn't care about feeding off of the nightmares of people it considers part of its group. And then I wouldn't have any of the other potential things happen, I guess?
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 09:12 pm (UTC)It takes him a moment to figure out how to phrase this.]
Listen, Ava. I... we both know that I don't know as much about this world, and this time, and whatever the specifics are with these... entity things.
But contrary to what Jon thinks, I'm not stupid. There are things in my world that are close enough to this business. They're demons. And they are-- extremely bad news.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 09:28 pm (UTC)I don't think you're stupid. I don't...really think you're wrong about that. They're Entities, yes, but they're...basically Eldritch monsters and embodiments of fears.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 09:37 pm (UTC)[Another pause.]
We have a word for people who become entangled with spirits or demons. I've said "possessed," which is one, but it's not what they are. We call them "abominations." Most of them immediately become monsters, hideous, violent things. But some of them are much more insidious. They... almost seem like they're still human. Until they suddenly aren't.
Like Jon.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 09:44 pm (UTC)I know he's getting worse. I know it's going to come to a head...and I know he's possibly going to need to be dealt with.
[ Put down. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 10:00 pm (UTC)It's not-- this isn't really about him. It's about following him too far. About... about that Institute.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 10:16 pm (UTC)You...don't want me to do it.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 10:41 pm (UTC)Jon said that he didn't know it was happening to him. That things were going on around him and by the time he realized it, it was already too late. They had their hooks in him.
And that's precisely how deals with demons work. People think they're in control, think everything's fine, that it won't happen to them, and the next thing they know, they're over their heads.
[Maker, he must sound like such a worrywart, or a nag.]
Ava, I'm sorry, but I can't see anything good coming of joining this Institute. It sounds like a mess at best, and the path to something horrific at worst.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 10:54 pm (UTC)[ But now Martin's here. And Jon and Alessandro have been getting along so much more. So, she...isn't sure if she's really needed as an assistant. She can just go clean up the messes, she guesses, but Martin's probably going to take her place.
Does that require signing her life away? ]
I just want to help him. I want to keep him from falling further down this spiral. I want... I want him to be okay.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 11:08 pm (UTC)[Welp. We're going there.]
I had a friend who was an abomination. I wanted to help him, more than anything. I stayed with him, and I did anything he needed of me. I would have given anything I had to make him be all right. And for a while, he was, but one day...
One day, he slipped. He went too far. I couldn't follow where he wanted me to go. But I got caught up in it anyway. I was already too deep. And it only would have been worse if I'd done any more. I only wanted to save him, but I couldn't. And I couldn't give what I had left to try any longer.
[He goes silent for a long moment. Truly, it's obvious he's ducking specifics, but he's at work in a back room and he doesn't think he has the mental fortitude to confront those things, right now, on the phone.]
At some point... you have to decide what you won't give up to save him. I-- I can't tell you what that is, Ava. But you have to ask if it'll be worth it, if you lose him anyway. Or if you do save him, whether there'll be anything left of you to care.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 11:27 pm (UTC)She's working on putting on her jeans as he speaks, then a shirt, and then she's grabbing her keys and pulling her hair back. ]
I just... I'm sorry, Hawke. I'm sorry that happened to you. You know none of that is your fault; you tried to help him. You did everything you could have done that was feasible. And...I don't think you would have gone any further if you had known, if it was really that bad.
[ She knows Hawke. She knows he's a good person. She knows that he did what he could to try to help to the best of his ability, would do anything and everything. If he had to stop, then whatever it was, it had to have been horrible. ]
I just... I thought, if anyone, it should be me. I'm dead, Hawke. I don't-- Back home, there's nothing for me. When I first decided to help Jon, it just felt like... I don't know.
[ Like it wouldn't matter if something happened to her. She's hardier than the average human and she's seen enough horrible shit that, really, is anyone going to cry over it? And knowing that she's on her own back home... It's just made all of that more obvious to her. It won't matter.
Well. It will here, she guesses. Hawke will care. Jon will care too. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 11:38 pm (UTC)[He doesn't like how this has turned into sympathy for him. Because that isn't the point. The point was that he knows where she's coming from.]
You might be dead, but you're not dead. [This confusing old chestnut again!] I mean-- Ava, it doesn't matter if your heart's beating. You have a life, and friends, and thoughts and a will of your own... All of them things that a demon could feed on or take away from you.
I don't want to see you lost that way. I don't want to see you give up yourself because you think that's your only choice.
I know you want to help Jon. I know. I do too. But you don't have to sign yourself away to do that. You haven't so far.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 11:50 pm (UTC)I haven't signed myself away because he didn't have a building or paperwork or an Institute. But I've still been helping him. Why do you think I'm gone on days I'm not working?
[ She doesn't want to give too much away. Jon isn't paying her and a lot of her investigating work is done without Jon's say-so and without his knowing, so it's not like he's forcing her to do anything. It just happens to sometimes line up with her own work.
"Her work" being murder. But. ]
I just don't know how to help him anymore.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 11:55 pm (UTC)All I'm saying is I don't think you should sign with the Institute. Or be officially employed by it. Or like... go there, too often, probably, if there's going to be some creepy eyeball thing trying to suck your soul out of your brain while you read statements.
[Jon's made it sound real appealing so far!]
That's all I'm trying to say.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-29 12:57 am (UTC)I'm not going to stop helping but I have to figure out something else to do. Because he's counting on me joining.
[ And she likes Jon. She wants to help. Telling him she isn't going to sign is going to hurt, and she doesn't know if he's even going to want her to stick around if she won't do that. He'll tell her to cut ties completely and that'll be that. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-08-29 01:01 am (UTC)[Well. That's ascribing a nasty action to Jon that he hasn't actually done. Hawke decides not to finish that sentence.]
Anyway. Please just think about it, okay? It's not my decision. And it isn't his, either.
But I don't feel good about it. That's all I wanted to say.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-29 02:10 am (UTC)[ But that's likely a good thing, as far as Hawke's concerned. ]
And he's not 'barely trying'. He's trying. But he's... How do I put this? He's like a fledgling vampire, Hawke. He has no guidance, no control, and he's lost and scrambling around and picking fights with people he shouldn't be. And I get that. I get that a lot more than people understand.
[ It's not fair for her to be frustrated at his lack of control. And she's not, not really. But she also knows some of the struggle he's working through and she wishes he might hear her more. ]
Did I tell you? I was in one of the nightmares he watches. His old friend Georgie. She told me I was better off just...backing away. Even with her, I didn't know what to say. I feel like I'm enabling him, sometimes.
I just need to think it over.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-29 03:11 pm (UTC)Hearing Ava describe Jon like a fledgling vampire suddenly makes a lot of sense to him. It explains why she's willing to put herself out so much for someone who seems more often than not to be a jerk to her. He thinks, perhaps, she sees much of herself in him-- someone granted strange powers and left to figure them out all alone.
Of course she wants to help. And he does too... somehow.]
Yes. Think it over.
I'm-- sorry to bring you down like this. But it's been on my mind. I won't talk about it any longer if you don't want me to.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-30 04:45 am (UTC)[ And Hawke wants to help Jon, if he can, and that goes a long way towards making her feel like this isn't just a ploy to get her away from Jon. This is Hawke genuinely concerned. And it's been a long time since feeling like she could have that with anyone.
She pauses, checking her phone. ]
Oh. He's...texting me right now, actually. Look, I'll let you go. I'll see you later when you come home?