[Ow. Jon's willingness to tease back and forth diminishes markedly when she reminds him he set her on fire.]
No. I'm sorry.
And I'm fine. Martin's going to be the one with trouble here if he can't get the Lonely under control. He was good with people before I went away after the Unknowing. Everything changed after. Or it was changed. I suppose life goes on without you.
I don't want your apologies. I know you're sorry. I want you to keep me in the loop next time. We have an opportunity here to help you. To help Martin. Don't hide shit from me. I'm not useful to you if I'm dead.
Martin made a choice, Jon. Why he did it, I don't know. But it's his choice. Just like it's his choice to love you and tell you that's how he feels. And you had to get the Eye under control, too. This isn't just about him.
Let me try to help him. I'll try to pave your way to get him safe.
I didn't know I'd been cursed. Not until after I'd hurt you. I've never been cursed before. What was I supposed to tell you? Some teenager kidnapped me after work for HUNTR and dragged me into an alley before teleporting away when I did my 'spooky eye' things at him? Or that I was teleported out of the Gray Room after being found by its proprietor and told to get out? It didn't seem like there was anything wrong. Maybe the start of the curses were delayed because of the Beholding?
And he did it because Peter Lukas is holding an axe over everyone at the Institute. Martin feels responsible for other people. He always has. Whether he should or not. Christ, he got split up from me and Tim when Prentiss attacked and spent days apologizing to me over and over again for it. He made the choice that sacrifices himself for everyone else. Which is massively stupid, of course. He is when he's not being shockingly clever and competent. God, but when he is stupid, it's absolutely infuriating. He should be smarter than that. I know he is. He can make better choices. I've seen it.
[That might be a bit of a rant, but...]
Just let me know if you need anything to help him, all right? Or if you need it. The Lonely isn't a thing to be trifled with any more than the Beholding.
'Hey Ava, some asshole kidnapped me and may have done some spellwork. It was really weird and I'm not sure what happened. Can you help me look into it?'
Wow. So hard. We might not have had any good answers, but I would have been aware of what's happening. For someone who is bound to an entity of knowledge, I'd think that would make sense to you. Having the knowledge to understand things, prepare, and fight them. But that isn't the point. I'm not mad at you.
Oh, yeah, I can't imagine what it's like to hear someone wanting to sacrifice themselves for the supposed good of others. Can't even imagine it. Maybe it's because he felt like he loved someone enough to try to help them. Or that they were more important than him. Hmm.
I'll let you know what happens, one way or another. I promise.
Yeah, uh, maybe? That would be helpful, so I know who to protect you from when they come after you with pitchforks and try to murder you this time.
[ Christ, Jon. ]
Yes, the pocketknife to stab yourself with. Because harming yourself for other people is a great alternative. This is what I'm talking about. But I'll leave it for now. I really don't want to yell at you but seriously, we need to think up a better game plan. You need to learn self-control. Or limiting in a healthy manner.
It's fine. I want to help him. Let's just hope this goes okay.
[He's going to answer the second part of this first.]
It should be effective if I'm weak, at least. That's what matters. Self-control can come now I can actually read Statements again.
The first was a Vanessa Ives. I texted her to apologize and warned her to keep away from me. She seemed to agree with that.
The second was Vash. He followed me after and demanded I let him help me. He's sent along a written Statement and plans to continue.
The third was Dorian Gray. I, um... it was payback for when he attacked me for HUNTR.
The fourth was Zexion. That was payback, too. He tried to steal one of my Statements. Then he stole my lighter. Then he used some sort of magic to silence me and hold me on the floor with ice when I went to get it back.
The fifth was a man named Judar. He's a magi--some sort of magician. He encased us in ice after and made it... very clear I shouldn't do that again.
The sixth was a young man named Tim Drake. I think he's some sort of crime fighter.
The seventh was another young man named Noah Czerny. He's dead. Was dead. Or will be. He doesn't work in linear time after he was murdered on a ley line.
Those all happened after hell. Within about a, um... two week period.
I tried, Ava. I swear I tried for some of them. I mean, not for Dorian or Zexion. But the others. I promise. I just stepped out of the museum to go home or to get a drink. And they were just there. Like they were waiting for me. I tried to tell Vash. I tried to make him run away, but he wouldn't.
I worked. The staff would sometimes go out for drinks after work. I didn't really join them much. Maybe a few times. It's awkward having your boss out with you, isn't it?
You have no idea how to control yourself in a city full of people who have likely all had some kind of supernatural occurrence in their lives. And it's made worse because we're all stuck here together, and therefore our experiences are overlapping. People are exposed to the horrific and supernatural daily here.
You spent your time holed up in the Institute, never leaving, feeding off of written Statements or of people who came in, already weeded out. When you died, Statements became your food, as Vitae became mine. But I had to learn to control myself because food walks by me daily. You didn't have that experience. You totally went off the deep end the moment you were allowed to. Even before Hell, you told me you were binging Statements and got a headache once.
You need to learn control, like I did. Your food walks beside you daily.
By being scared shitless, for one. If we feed off of just anyone, we'll be caught. Masquerade violation. Death. And if we feed off of a single person too much, they die. The more we kill innocents, the more we lose our Humanity. Our morality. And when we do that, we eventually succumb to the Beast and become mindless. All we want is blood and death. We have consequences.
Your consequences aren't a deterrent to you because you're set on rolling towards some kind of death or weird self-destruction. When something happens, you feel the need to fix it by throwing yourself at the problem and possibly dying. Your solution to this is hurting yourself.
You said something like, "if anyone has to pay the price it should be me." And when we agreed we'd talk together with her, you ran ahead and told her that if anyone should die, it should be you. That is a thing you did, Jon. I was there for it.
Technically, it was my fault for even telling you. But the point is that you totally were going to throw yourself on the sword for it. I didn't ask you to do that. I even told you, specifically, NOT to do that.
Ava, you have a chance to stay... you. Normal. Close to human. I don't think that's going to happen for me. And it Martin doesn't get pulled back from the edge soon, it's not going to happen for him, either. We should focus on helping him, honestly.
You're wrong. You're absolutely wrong on all of those counts.
[ But that's probably her wishful thinking. She doesn't want to give up on Jon. ]
I'm going to help him. But I'm going to keep helping you, too. You can't stop me. When the time comes, we'll deal with what we have to. Don't think that I'm exempt from this.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
winterfish
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 01:44 am (UTC)No.
I'm sorry.
And I'm fine.
Martin's going to be the one with trouble here if he can't get the Lonely under control.
He was good with people before I went away after the Unknowing.
Everything changed after.
Or it was changed.
I suppose life goes on without you.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 01:48 am (UTC)I don't want your apologies. I know you're sorry.
I want you to keep me in the loop next time.
We have an opportunity here to help you. To help Martin.
Don't hide shit from me.
I'm not useful to you if I'm dead.
Martin made a choice, Jon.
Why he did it, I don't know.
But it's his choice.
Just like it's his choice to love you and tell you that's how he feels.
And you had to get the Eye under control, too.
This isn't just about him.
Let me try to help him.
I'll try to pave your way to get him safe.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:02 am (UTC)Not until after I'd hurt you.
I've never been cursed before.
What was I supposed to tell you?
Some teenager kidnapped me after work for HUNTR and dragged me into an alley before teleporting away when I did my 'spooky eye' things at him?
Or that I was teleported out of the Gray Room after being found by its proprietor and told to get out?
It didn't seem like there was anything wrong.
Maybe the start of the curses were delayed because of the Beholding?
And he did it because Peter Lukas is holding an axe over everyone at the Institute.
Martin feels responsible for other people.
He always has.
Whether he should or not.
Christ, he got split up from me and Tim when Prentiss attacked and spent days apologizing to me over and over again for it.
He made the choice that sacrifices himself for everyone else.
Which is massively stupid, of course.
He is when he's not being shockingly clever and competent.
God, but when he is stupid, it's absolutely infuriating.
He should be smarter than that.
I know he is.
He can make better choices.
I've seen it.
[That might be a bit of a rant, but...]
Just let me know if you need anything to help him, all right?
Or if you need it.
The Lonely isn't a thing to be trifled with any more than the Beholding.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:08 am (UTC)Wow. So hard.
We might not have had any good answers, but I would have been aware of what's happening.
For someone who is bound to an entity of knowledge, I'd think that would make sense to you. Having the knowledge to understand things, prepare, and fight them.
But that isn't the point.
I'm not mad at you.
Oh, yeah, I can't imagine what it's like to hear someone wanting to sacrifice themselves for the supposed good of others.
Can't even imagine it.
Maybe it's because he felt like he loved someone enough to try to help them.
Or that they were more important than him.
Hmm.
I'll let you know what happens, one way or another.
I promise.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:12 am (UTC)I suppose I should tell you about the people I fed from.
[He really doesn't want to do that.]
But I did speak to a legitimate therapist about it.
That's why I bought a pocketknife.
So, I can try to avoid doing it again.
[And he's just going to pointedly skim right over the rest of that commentary...]
Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:15 am (UTC)That would be helpful, so I know who to protect you from when they come after you with pitchforks and try to murder you this time.
[ Christ, Jon. ]
Yes, the pocketknife to stab yourself with.
Because harming yourself for other people is a great alternative.
This is what I'm talking about.
But I'll leave it for now.
I really don't want to yell at you but seriously, we need to think up a better game plan.
You need to learn self-control.
Or limiting in a healthy manner.
It's fine. I want to help him.
Let's just hope this goes okay.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:26 am (UTC)It should be effective if I'm weak, at least.
That's what matters.
Self-control can come now I can actually read Statements again.
The first was a Vanessa Ives.
I texted her to apologize and warned her to keep away from me.
She seemed to agree with that.
The second was Vash.
He followed me after and demanded I let him help me.
He's sent along a written Statement and plans to continue.
The third was Dorian Gray.
I, um... it was payback for when he attacked me for HUNTR.
The fourth was Zexion.
That was payback, too.
He tried to steal one of my Statements.
Then he stole my lighter.
Then he used some sort of magic to silence me and hold me on the floor with ice when I went to get it back.
The fifth was a man named Judar.
He's a magi--some sort of magician.
He encased us in ice after and made it... very clear I shouldn't do that again.
The sixth was a young man named Tim Drake.
I think he's some sort of crime fighter.
The seventh was another young man named Noah Czerny.
He's dead.
Was dead.
Or will be.
He doesn't work in linear time after he was murdered on a ley line.
Those all happened after hell.
Within about a, um... two week period.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:30 am (UTC)Fucking hell, Jon.
Seven people in two weeks?!
And you couldn't stop?
You seriously, 100%, couldn't stop yourself???
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:32 am (UTC)I swear I tried for some of them.
I mean, not for Dorian or Zexion.
But the others.
I promise.
I just stepped out of the museum to go home or to get a drink.
And they were just there.
Like they were waiting for me.
I tried to tell Vash.
I tried to make him run away, but he wouldn't.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:37 am (UTC)You sound like a new vampire.
Or a Thin Blood.
[ ...Wait. Wait, hold on. She might be on to something. ]
When you were back home, what did you do most of the time?
Did you ever go out?
Did you ever hang out with anyone that wasn't archival staff?
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:41 am (UTC)The staff would sometimes go out for drinks after work.
I didn't really join them much.
Maybe a few times.
It's awkward having your boss out with you, isn't it?
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:43 am (UTC)Just leave the Institute and go home?
Or go shopping?
After the Unknowing, I mean.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:53 am (UTC)There were three of them there.
If that's what you're asking.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 02:59 am (UTC)You have no idea how to control yourself in a city full of people who have likely all had some kind of supernatural occurrence in their lives.
And it's made worse because we're all stuck here together, and therefore our experiences are overlapping.
People are exposed to the horrific and supernatural daily here.
You spent your time holed up in the Institute, never leaving, feeding off of written Statements or of people who came in, already weeded out.
When you died, Statements became your food, as Vitae became mine.
But I had to learn to control myself because food walks by me daily.
You didn't have that experience.
You totally went off the deep end the moment you were allowed to.
Even before Hell, you told me you were binging Statements and got a headache once.
You need to learn control, like I did.
Your food walks beside you daily.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 03:20 am (UTC)That's what the knife is for.
How did you learn control?
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 03:31 am (UTC)If we feed off of just anyone, we'll be caught. Masquerade violation. Death.
And if we feed off of a single person too much, they die.
The more we kill innocents, the more we lose our Humanity.
Our morality.
And when we do that, we eventually succumb to the Beast and become mindless.
All we want is blood and death.
We have consequences.
Your consequences aren't a deterrent to you because you're set on rolling towards some kind of death or weird self-destruction.
When something happens, you feel the need to fix it by throwing yourself at the problem and possibly dying.
Your solution to this is hurting yourself.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 03:36 am (UTC)Then why were you tripping over yourself to try to sacrifice yourself to Anya?
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 03:40 am (UTC)I haven't tried to sacrifice myself to her.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 03:41 am (UTC)And when we agreed we'd talk together with her, you ran ahead and told her that if anyone should die, it should be you.
That is a thing you did, Jon.
I was there for it.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 03:49 am (UTC)That was different.
It was my fault.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 03:51 am (UTC)But the point is that you totally were going to throw yourself on the sword for it.
I didn't ask you to do that.
I even told you, specifically, NOT to do that.
That's my point.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 03:55 am (UTC)Ava, you have a chance to stay... you.
Normal.
Close to human.
I don't think that's going to happen for me.
And it Martin doesn't get pulled back from the edge soon, it's not going to happen for him, either.
We should focus on helping him, honestly.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 03:58 am (UTC)You're absolutely wrong on all of those counts.
[ But that's probably her wishful thinking. She doesn't want to give up on Jon. ]
I'm going to help him.
But I'm going to keep helping you, too.
You can't stop me.
When the time comes, we'll deal with what we have to.
Don't think that I'm exempt from this.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-19 04:05 am (UTC)All right.
You help Martin.
And me, I suppose.
I'll help the both of you.
Martin can help... himself, hopefully.
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