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[bloodbinds]

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( Roberts, Ava )

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[bloodbinds]

[ 'When' is more accurate, she thinks, even if not in her lifetime. The rest, though, makes her pause. She goes quiet. Then: ]

You...don't want me to do it.

[championmage]

No. I don't. But it's not my decision, and I know that, so all I want is for you to hear me out.

Jon said that he didn't know it was happening to him. That things were going on around him and by the time he realized it, it was already too late. They had their hooks in him.

And that's precisely how deals with demons work. People think they're in control, think everything's fine, that it won't happen to them, and the next thing they know, they're over their heads.

[Maker, he must sound like such a worrywart, or a nag.]

Ava, I'm sorry, but I can't see anything good coming of joining this Institute. It sounds like a mess at best, and the path to something horrific at worst.

[bloodbinds]

The whole point had been to help him. And he doesn't want to be in my nightmares. He can take Statements from me and neither of us will be affected. The whole point was for me to help-- Until now, it's just been me.

[ But now Martin's here. And Jon and Alessandro have been getting along so much more. So, she...isn't sure if she's really needed as an assistant. She can just go clean up the messes, she guesses, but Martin's probably going to take her place.

Does that require signing her life away? ]

I just want to help him. I want to keep him from falling further down this spiral. I want... I want him to be okay.

[championmage]

I know, lovely. I know. I was the same way. I had friends, who--

[Welp. We're going there.]

I had a friend who was an abomination. I wanted to help him, more than anything. I stayed with him, and I did anything he needed of me. I would have given anything I had to make him be all right. And for a while, he was, but one day...

One day, he slipped. He went too far. I couldn't follow where he wanted me to go. But I got caught up in it anyway. I was already too deep. And it only would have been worse if I'd done any more. I only wanted to save him, but I couldn't. And I couldn't give what I had left to try any longer.

[He goes silent for a long moment. Truly, it's obvious he's ducking specifics, but he's at work in a back room and he doesn't think he has the mental fortitude to confront those things, right now, on the phone.]

At some point... you have to decide what you won't give up to save him. I-- I can't tell you what that is, Ava. But you have to ask if it'll be worth it, if you lose him anyway. Or if you do save him, whether there'll be anything left of you to care.

[bloodbinds]

[ The silence on Ava's end is telling, and it is a horrified quiet, lapsing into uncertainty and pain on Hawke's behalf. It parallels herself and Jon too much. But poor Hawke. It's not right that it happened to him. She can hear the tone in his voice.

She's working on putting on her jeans as he speaks, then a shirt, and then she's grabbing her keys and pulling her hair back. ]

I just... I'm sorry, Hawke. I'm sorry that happened to you. You know none of that is your fault; you tried to help him. You did everything you could have done that was feasible. And...I don't think you would have gone any further if you had known, if it was really that bad.

[ She knows Hawke. She knows he's a good person. She knows that he did what he could to try to help to the best of his ability, would do anything and everything. If he had to stop, then whatever it was, it had to have been horrible. ]

I just... I thought, if anyone, it should be me. I'm dead, Hawke. I don't-- Back home, there's nothing for me. When I first decided to help Jon, it just felt like... I don't know.

[ Like it wouldn't matter if something happened to her. She's hardier than the average human and she's seen enough horrible shit that, really, is anyone going to cry over it? And knowing that she's on her own back home... It's just made all of that more obvious to her. It won't matter.

Well. It will here, she guesses. Hawke will care. Jon will care too. ]

[championmage]

I-- I know that it wasn't my fault. [No, he doesn't.] I did my best. [No, he didn't.] Thank you.

[He doesn't like how this has turned into sympathy for him. Because that isn't the point. The point was that he knows where she's coming from.]

You might be dead, but you're not dead. [This confusing old chestnut again!] I mean-- Ava, it doesn't matter if your heart's beating. You have a life, and friends, and thoughts and a will of your own... All of them things that a demon could feed on or take away from you.

I don't want to see you lost that way. I don't want to see you give up yourself because you think that's your only choice.

I know you want to help Jon. I know. I do too. But you don't have to sign yourself away to do that. You haven't so far.

[bloodbinds]

[ Um, no, he doesn't sound very convincing there, thanks. She'll need to come back to that later because she doesn't want to interrupt Hawke's flow as she's walking, heading out of the apartment. ]

I haven't signed myself away because he didn't have a building or paperwork or an Institute. But I've still been helping him. Why do you think I'm gone on days I'm not working?

[ She doesn't want to give too much away. Jon isn't paying her and a lot of her investigating work is done without Jon's say-so and without his knowing, so it's not like he's forcing her to do anything. It just happens to sometimes line up with her own work.

"Her work" being murder. But. ]

I just don't know how to help him anymore.

[championmage]

You see? That's what I mean. You haven't signed anything away and you're still helping him. I'm not saying "Ava, don't help him, he's a stupid rude berk who insults other people's dreams and is mean to Hawke all the time for no reason."

All I'm saying is I don't think you should sign with the Institute. Or be officially employed by it. Or like... go there, too often, probably, if there's going to be some creepy eyeball thing trying to suck your soul out of your brain while you read statements.

[Jon's made it sound real appealing so far!]

That's all I'm trying to say.

[bloodbinds]

I know. I know you're not telling me to help him. I just... I'm just saying I don't know how else to help him at this point. I feel like every time I turn around, something else has happened, like he's been cursed or someone's trying to kill him--

I'm not going to stop helping but I have to figure out something else to do. Because he's counting on me joining.

[ And she likes Jon. She wants to help. Telling him she isn't going to sign is going to hurt, and she doesn't know if he's even going to want her to stick around if she won't do that. He'll tell her to cut ties completely and that'll be that. ]

[championmage]

You've gone out of your way to help him already. And if he demands that you should give even more, when he's barely trying...

[Well. That's ascribing a nasty action to Jon that he hasn't actually done. Hawke decides not to finish that sentence.]

Anyway. Please just think about it, okay? It's not my decision. And it isn't his, either.

But I don't feel good about it. That's all I wanted to say.

[compellingstatement]

You might want to be careful throwing that phrase about in a place like this.

[Ha ha ha...]

Or fear began to exist when life started preying on one another?
I can imagine the Hunt as one of the oldest.
The Dark and the Vast, as well.
Of course, that's assuming they weren't all birthed at the same time in some cosmic horror mass and only were able to properly begin manifesting once life had reached the point they could be frightened of them.
I doubt the dinosaurs were overly preoccupied with feeling lonely.

[Then again, he's never met a dinosaur... Would there have been something like the Archivist back then? The Distortion? The Hive? It's too strange to think about.]

I'll sit with the Statements for a bit and see if any of them call to me.
That helps.
Sometimes.

[Sometimes he's just sitting on the floor for hours doing nothing and feeling like an idiot.]

We don't have nearly as many as the real Archives, so that should limit the range of potential.

[bloodbinds]

I would be happy to introduce Elias to
a dentata if I should ever have the displeasure
of meeting him.
Until then, he can rot.

I should think anything related to hunger, to food, and dark
and/or light would be the most obvious ones.
Maybe even the Stranger. The unknown.

How many Statements do you even have now?

[ Just...ballpark figure... ]

I'm going to be heading into Veracity
and Insincerity in the next few days.
See what I can see.
I have off from work.
I figure I can spend a few hours at each figuring out
the lay of the land and what it's like.
Maybe things are different there.

[ She means having different fears. ]

[bloodbinds]

I don't think he's going to demand anything. I think he's going to shove me out.

[ But that's likely a good thing, as far as Hawke's concerned. ]

And he's not 'barely trying'. He's trying. But he's... How do I put this? He's like a fledgling vampire, Hawke. He has no guidance, no control, and he's lost and scrambling around and picking fights with people he shouldn't be. And I get that. I get that a lot more than people understand.

[ It's not fair for her to be frustrated at his lack of control. And she's not, not really. But she also knows some of the struggle he's working through and she wishes he might hear her more. ]

Did I tell you? I was in one of the nightmares he watches. His old friend Georgie. She told me I was better off just...backing away. Even with her, I didn't know what to say. I feel like I'm enabling him, sometimes.

I just need to think it over.

[compellingstatement]

[...]

Do I want to know what that means?
Dent...
Something with teeth?

I have about 50.
Mostly from the public.
A few people in our program are providing them regularly to me.
I haven't entirely sorted the public ones.
I can't imagine they're all actually legitimate.
I might do that this week.

You probably shouldn't go to Veracity after what I've heard about that from the others.
Some sort of torture Fort?
I'd like to come to Insincerity with you, though.
I've been meaning to look in on that.

Oh, and I'm going to ask Martin about drawing up an employment contract.
What sort of salary did you want?
I can pay you now I'm not worrying about saving up for the building.
Whatever you'd like as long as I have enough to pay Martin and whoever I hire for security.

[bloodbinds]

[ Too late. She does a quick Duplicit search and sends him a picture. Enjoy. ]

That's not a horrible number.
And I know where I can get a few more for you.
Maybe sorting will help?

Sure, we can go to Insincerity.
But I'm still going to go to Veracity.
I want to know what's happened there.
I just probably won't stay long, is all.

[ Oh, and...here we go. Ava's response to his last message takes much longer than the others. ]

No, it's okay.
You can hold off.
I'd just make sure you're helping Martin and paying security.
That's more important.
You keep getting too many people on your ass.
Focus on that first.

[compellingstatement]

WHY WOULD YOU SEND ME THAT???

[Pause for a moment, Ava. He has to search for pictures of adorable kittens and cat gifs for a minute here to bleach that image from his brain. It's several minutes later that he responds to the rest of her message.]

I imagine we'll have more than a few Lonely Statements if you interview people living near the graveyard in the Down.
Martin's sleeping there.
I don't think I'm meant to know that.
Christ...

Well, just be careful, I suppose.

And if you don't want a salary, we can at least get the contract sorted.
Fill in the pay later.

[bloodbinds]

You asked!

Why is he sleeping by the graveyard?
He doesn't need to do that.
I can show him where some places are that'll
be nicer, if he really needs it.
I know of an empty warehouse or two.
He could shuffle it around.

[ Oh my god, Jon, you are making this difficult. ]

No, I'm saying you should hold off on the contract.
Not just the pay.

[compellingstatement]

Because he doesn't want the Lonely creeping out while he's sleeping.
And he's impossible.
I told him he could just sign a contract with me and move in.
He's being odd about it.
With the... feelings.
I told him it could just be business!

[She doesn't want an employment contract?]

Oh, is this about the dreams you wanted me to see?
We really should get those Statements out of the way soon, then.
I'd like to deal with that and get you off my circuit.

[bloodbinds]

Yeah but he cares about you.
He has feelings for you.
It's probably super awkward for him.
I get where you're coming from, though.
I know you just want to help him.

[ Christ. She needs to just be clear about this. ]

No, Jon, I--
I mean, yeah, that's part of it but.
Jon, I don't know if I want to join the Institute as staff.
At least, not on a contract or on paper.

...Wait, what do you mean by 'circuit'?

[compellingstatement]

[Wait... what?]

Oh.
Georgie's right, I suppose.

[He might not have said anything, but he'd been right there with them.]

Sorry.
Let me know what you find in Veracity.
And no need to wait for me to go to Insincerity if you're keen.
I'll find my way there.
It might be good to have multiple accounts.
Different times and experiences.

[He just sort of assumes she wants the distance.]

[bloodbinds]

[ No, no, that's just pissing her off now. ]

Jon.
Knock it the fuck off.
Right now.

This isn't about you.
I'm not rejecting you.
I just need time to think about this and yeah,
I need to really consider what this is going
to do to me.
And that's fair.
You know that's fair.
That doesn't mean I don't want to be there for you
Or to be your friend
Or to help you with your work.
It just means that right this moment, I don't want
to sign a contract and sign myself away.
Please understand there's a difference.

Georgie had a point.
But the point isn't "abandon Jon".
The point, for me, is that I want to help you
but I also need to find a balance that keeps
me safe.

[compellingstatement]

I didn't say it isn't fair.
Forgive me for assuming you wanted a little distance.
I've told you before you should have it.
You keep insisting.
Is that a good idea, Ava?
You already read a Statement.
The Eye has its attention on you.
Being around me is going to make that worse, not better.
And it's very good at getting what it wants in the end.
I don't want to put you in that danger if you're not going to have some sort of shield from it.
If you can find some other way, I'm all ears.
But distance is the best ways to be able to legitimately step back.
I'm not saying we can never talk again.
It just might be best not to meet for a little while.
And find something else to do apart from help with the Statements.
Maybe the Eye will get bored and stop paying attention to you that way.
We can still text.
I'll still tell you when things have happened.
I just want to legitimately give you the space to find that balance.
The Beholding won't let you, otherwise.

[bloodbinds]

How is it a shield if the Beholding still has me in the end?
Whether I choose to sign the papers or not, in the end, it's the same.
The only difference is you stop seeing me in your nightmares
and I stop seeing you.

I don't know what that balance is going to look like
but I also know that me disappearing and not seeing you
isn't going to especially help you, either.

If you think the distance will help, then we can try it.

[ She just feels like it's too akin to giving up on finding a solution, and she doubts he's going to loop her in if she's not around. ]

[compellingstatement]

I think you should do what you honestly believe is best for you, Ava.
As you said, this isn't about me.
I'll manage, either way.
We all make choices.
I want you to be certain of the one you're making.
Knowing what you know.
There is some protection the Eye offers.
Critical knowledge or insight it could grant you in a moment of need.
And yes, you'd stop having the nightmares.
Yours aren't the only ones I visit whenever I fall asleep.
That's my circuit.
What everyone is experiencing right now?
Walking through each others' dreams?
That's just what I do.

[bloodbinds]

I know that's what you do.

[ She doesn't have anything to say to the rest of it. She doesn't know what's best for her. She doesn't even know what she's going to do with herself. There's no clear-cut answer...but it was never on Jon to give that to her in the first place.

The next reply is long in coming. But eventually, she sends a message. ]

I'll think about it.
Text me if you need me.
I'll still go with you to Insincerity if you want.
But we'll just try this for now.

I'm sorry.
Please take care, Jon.