I'm going to try but how exactly am I going to stop you? You went off and did this on your own. Multiple people tried to stop you or tell you to go rest.
['Put a tracker on me,' isn't actually what Jon wants. It's really the only way this would have been stopped, though.]
I was being facetious. I just won't buy any of the potions in insincerity anymore. I physically couldn't sleep, Ava. Every time I started to fall asleep I'd jerk myself awake. Father Anderson shoved sleeping pills down my throat and I still couldn't sleep.
[Okay, she's probably joking, but he seriously considers it.]
That might have worked? I'm not sure. I heal. You can try it if anything like this happens again.
[It's fine. It's probably fine.]
Trying to make me sleep, presumably. I really don't remember much of it. Just that he offered me apple juice and I told him I didn't want them. Repeatedly.
And it doesn't matter if you can heal; shoving a ton of pills down someone's throat is the fastest way to an ER. Christ. You both sound like you were out of your minds.
He's not a complete idiot, Ava, and he works with children. I doubt he would have overdosed me on them. It certainly wasn't pleasant, but I did message him at 3 AM telling him I needed to see infinity.
Again, you both sound like idiots. But it sounds like he cared enough to try to help you, so that's something. Why did you try to do all of this in the first place?
[He doesn't particularly want to give an honest answer, but she deserves it.]
The nightmares. I've taken so many more Statements here than I have at home, Ava. There are so many more nightmares. So many more people I'm hurting. I thought if I couldn't sleep, they'd be safe. At least from the nightmares I cause.
I've been thinking about it ever since we had those shared dreams. And then I ran into that witch, Nick Scratch, and he wanted me to tell Martin to sign a contract with him. Because he can protect him and I can't. It just sort of got to me, I guess. It was stupid, I know. I wanted to prove I could protect people. If I could protect them from myself, maybe I could protect him, too? I don't know. It made more sense at the time.
[ Seriously? That's the reason? It's a good thing this is all over text, because she'd probably punch him. Seeing people's worst nightmares is only a problem when he goes off the rails about it, but not before? And becoming sleep-deprived was supposed to make Martin feel like he was safer with Jon? ]
I don't know how it was supposed to make any more sense then than now, especially since you said you've taken Statements from people back home like this. And me. And others. So why now? Because there are so many more? Numbers is more important?
And how was Martin supposed to feel like you were protecting people? Because you gave them a reprieve for a week, and then ended up totally running yourself into the ground? Does Martin feel like he needs protection? Maybe you should ask him what he wants from you instead of assuming.
Nick's an asshole. If he wants a contract with Martin, he should say that to his face. Having you do it is passive-aggressive and cowardly, and it's probably because he knows Martin will turn him down unless you tell him to do it.
No. I mean, yes. I don't know? Obviously doing it to even one person is bad. I mean I just used to be better. Sort of. I didn't do it as often. Not on purpose. I'm not doing it on purpose here.
[...]
I'm... rationalizing. Sorry. I'll stop. It's bad. All of it's bad. I want to stop. I'm trying. But I can't do anything for the people I've already taken Statements from. I honestly didn't think I'd go off the deep-end. I thought I'd just be a little more tired. I'm not even human anymore. I shouldn't have to sleep. I doubt Helen does. Or the Boneturner.
[ Christ, she really doesn't want to get into this. Jon's rationalizing and just putting himself down with it, rather than backing off and dealing in half-measures. It's either black or white - everything's on fire or everything's fine.
She just sighs. ]
Yeah, it's bad. Plenty of shit is bad, Jon. That's why I compared you to a fledgling vampire. You're not going slowly or carefully when you feed. It's dangerous. But it also doesn't sound like it's entirely your fault. And it's not like the Beholding left you a manual. You probably sleep so you can see those nightmares. That's probably the point.
Whose fault is it if it's not mine? The Beholding? The Web? Something else? At what point does it become entirely my fault? When do I have to take responsibility and try to do something? I have to do something.
Alessandro wants me to take verbal Statements from him. He thinks he'll be all right with it. I'm not sure he will be. But he offered once before, and I told him no and I'm not that strong, Ava. I told him yes this time. I just wish I knew someone who can't sleep.
In regards to selling my soul, yes. But you took two verbal Statements from me already. I owe you two more. If it keeps you from going after others, then it's fine.
[He wants to correct her, to tell her she gave him those. But that's just... more rationalizing, isn't it? Jon holds his proverbial tongue.]
The throwing up blood is supposed to stop me from doing that. You don't owe me those Statements, Ava. Talk to Hawke. Make sure that's actually what you want to do.
Okay, I don't owe you them, but I started a story and I should finish it. If it helps you, I want to give them. I've already lived through these moments, Jon.
I'll talk to Hawke. But you've gotten Statements from people and they haven't been lost to the Beholding, right? Even if I didn't want to be your assistant, you still could get Statements from me and it wouldn't have been an issue, right? The Eye wouldn't have chased me then. I'm not signing my life away but I want to help you. You're my friend.
Lost? No. Targeted for the rest of their lives by a malevolent eldritch fear monster? Yes. Just, I just want you to make these decisions without thinking about what I need. I appreciate it, but Georgie was right. You need to think about what you need, too.
I won't tell you to stop if you give them to me. But just keep that in mind. Okay? You're my friend, too. I don't like hurting you.
Yeah, and that's kind of already happening. So my question is, how is it going to change? I don't know what I need, Jon, but I know I don't want you to shrivel up and die.
I know you don't like hurting me. I don't like you suffering. I'll talk to Hawke.
[She's really doing nothing for his ability to say 'no.']
I don't know. I don't bloody well know how it all works, Ava. I just know that if having one of your Statements is bad, having multiple Statements from you can't be better.
Just... let me know what you decide once you've talked to him. I'm going to go have something to eat.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
winterfish
no subject
Date: 2019-09-23 10:38 pm (UTC)You went off and did this on your own.
Multiple people tried to stop you or tell you to go rest.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-23 11:50 pm (UTC)I was being facetious.
I just won't buy any of the potions in insincerity anymore.
I physically couldn't sleep, Ava.
Every time I started to fall asleep I'd jerk myself awake.
Father Anderson shoved sleeping pills down my throat and I still couldn't sleep.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-24 04:48 am (UTC)I thought that would be really mean, though, so I didn't.
What the fuck was he doing shoving pills down your throat??
You could've overdosed!!
no subject
Date: 2019-09-24 04:59 am (UTC)That might have worked?
I'm not sure.
I heal.
You can try it if anything like this happens again.
[It's fine. It's probably fine.]
Trying to make me sleep, presumably.
I really don't remember much of it. Just that he offered me apple juice and I told him I didn't want them.
Repeatedly.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-25 11:29 pm (UTC)Good to know I have your permission.
And it doesn't matter if you can heal; shoving a ton of pills down someone's throat is the fastest way to an ER.
Christ.
You both sound like you were out of your minds.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-25 11:47 pm (UTC)I doubt he would have overdosed me on them.
It certainly wasn't pleasant, but I did message him at 3 AM telling him I needed to see infinity.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-28 03:39 pm (UTC)But it sounds like he cared enough to try to help you, so that's something.
Why did you try to do all of this in the first place?
no subject
Date: 2019-09-28 03:45 pm (UTC)The nightmares.
I've taken so many more Statements here than I have at home, Ava.
There are so many more nightmares.
So many more people I'm hurting.
I thought if I couldn't sleep, they'd be safe.
At least from the nightmares I cause.
I've been thinking about it ever since we had those shared dreams.
And then I ran into that witch, Nick Scratch, and he wanted me to tell Martin to sign a contract with him.
Because he can protect him and I can't.
It just sort of got to me, I guess.
It was stupid, I know.
I wanted to prove I could protect people.
If I could protect them from myself, maybe I could protect him, too?
I don't know.
It made more sense at the time.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-28 06:31 pm (UTC)I don't know how it was supposed to make any more sense then than now, especially since you said you've taken Statements from people back home like this.
And me.
And others.
So why now?
Because there are so many more?
Numbers is more important?
And how was Martin supposed to feel like you were protecting people?
Because you gave them a reprieve for a week, and then ended up totally running yourself into the ground?
Does Martin feel like he needs protection?
Maybe you should ask him what he wants from you instead of assuming.
Nick's an asshole.
If he wants a contract with Martin, he should say that to his face.
Having you do it is passive-aggressive and cowardly, and it's probably because he knows Martin will turn him down unless you tell him to do it.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-28 10:01 pm (UTC)I mean, yes.
I don't know?
Obviously doing it to even one person is bad.
I mean I just used to be better.
Sort of.
I didn't do it as often.
Not on purpose.
I'm not doing it on purpose here.
[...]
I'm... rationalizing.
Sorry.
I'll stop.
It's bad.
All of it's bad.
I want to stop.
I'm trying.
But I can't do anything for the people I've already taken Statements from.
I honestly didn't think I'd go off the deep-end.
I thought I'd just be a little more tired.
I'm not even human anymore.
I shouldn't have to sleep.
I doubt Helen does.
Or the Boneturner.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-30 01:40 am (UTC)She just sighs. ]
Yeah, it's bad.
Plenty of shit is bad, Jon.
That's why I compared you to a fledgling vampire.
You're not going slowly or carefully when you feed.
It's dangerous.
But it also doesn't sound like it's entirely your fault.
And it's not like the Beholding left you a manual.
You probably sleep so you can see those nightmares.
That's probably the point.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-30 02:06 am (UTC)The Beholding?
The Web?
Something else?
At what point does it become entirely my fault?
When do I have to take responsibility and try to do something?
I have to do something.
Alessandro wants me to take verbal Statements from him.
He thinks he'll be all right with it.
I'm not sure he will be.
But he offered once before, and I told him no and I'm not that strong, Ava.
I told him yes this time.
I just wish I knew someone who can't sleep.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-03 01:53 am (UTC)It's not all your fault.
You're not rubbing your hands together and cackling at people's suffering.
You care and it hurts you.
I told you I can give you Statements.
I've already dealt with you in my dreams.
It's fine.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-03 03:20 am (UTC)Ava, it's not fine.
We're trying to keep you away from the Beholding.
I thought we were?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-03 04:46 am (UTC)But you took two verbal Statements from me already.
I owe you two more.
If it keeps you from going after others, then it's fine.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-03 04:54 am (UTC)The throwing up blood is supposed to stop me from doing that.
You don't owe me those Statements, Ava.
Talk to Hawke.
Make sure that's actually what you want to do.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-03 04:59 am (UTC)If it helps you, I want to give them.
I've already lived through these moments, Jon.
I'll talk to Hawke.
But you've gotten Statements from people and they haven't been lost to the Beholding, right?
Even if I didn't want to be your assistant, you still could get Statements from me and it wouldn't have been an issue, right?
The Eye wouldn't have chased me then.
I'm not signing my life away but I want to help you.
You're my friend.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-03 05:05 am (UTC)Targeted for the rest of their lives by a malevolent eldritch fear monster? Yes.
Just, I just want you to make these decisions without thinking about what I need.
I appreciate it, but Georgie was right.
You need to think about what you need, too.
I won't tell you to stop if you give them to me.
But just keep that in mind.
Okay?
You're my friend, too.
I don't like hurting you.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-04 12:26 am (UTC)So my question is, how is it going to change?
I don't know what I need, Jon, but I know I don't want you to shrivel up and die.
I know you don't like hurting me.
I don't like you suffering.
I'll talk to Hawke.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-04 01:22 am (UTC)I don't know.
I don't bloody well know how it all works, Ava.
I just know that if having one of your Statements is bad, having multiple Statements from you can't be better.
Just... let me know what you decide once you've talked to him.
I'm going to go have something to eat.
[All this talk of Statements...]
no subject
Date: 2019-10-05 05:57 pm (UTC)But I'll talk to him and I won't go leaping into things, okay?
I promise.
I'll let you go, then.
Talk to you soon.