[Hawke squeezes her hand affectionately for a moment, then slowly brings it up to his chest. He guides her fingers beneath the neck of his shirt, to a scar on his upper left shoulder. A little puckered thing, round but jagged on the edges.]
Have you ever noticed this before? About two years ago, I was traveling across Nevarra and I came across a band of mercs. Bounty hunters. They chased me down and I barely got away, and took an arrow through the shoulder for my trouble. Sticking all the way through. It was awful.
[This sure seems like he's changed the subject...]
I got away, staggered to a cave, and did my best to mend it. Pulled out the arrow, tore up my shirt for a bandage. But it was too rough to heal with magic, and I was low on supplies. It got infected and I laid in that cave for a week, fighting off a fever, delirious from the pain.
[ At first, Ava looks a little confused by the shift in conversation, though her fingers slide over the jagged scar over his shoulder. It looked, to her, like a bullet wound removed poorly. Hearing it was an arrow doesn't surprise her. ]
I've seen it.
[ She's seen every inch of Hawke at one point or another. Ava knows where many of his scars are but not their stories. Her frown is deep as she looks at him. ]
Christ. That's... I can't imagine that. Was Wuffles with you?
Not in the fight, thankfully, no. He was waiting at our camp. When I didn't come back he came to find me, and the poor boy spent a day carrying things to me there in my little cave.
[He glances fondly down at Wuffles and nudges him affectionately with his foot.]
I was in rough shape. There were a few times I was certain I was going to die. At one point I woke up feverish and delirious and downed all the rest of my water before I passed out again. The next morning, I had to send Wuffles to get more. But I also turned a corner and started getting better. Two weeks later I was nearly good as new.
[He chuckles like that was an amusing anecdote rather than "that time I nearly died delirious with a gangrenous shoulder wound alone in a cave."]
I could have died any one of those nights. If my fever got too bad, or if my body couldn't heal well enough. If I didn't drink all that water, I might have never woken up again. And if the arrow hit me an inch to the right, I'd have died instantly.
Really... I've come close to dying a lot, for one man. And any one of those could have been the one, if only one little thing was different.
[ In a way...it reminds her of her own experiences. A lot of 'what ifs' going into a single person's safety and well being. If Ava hadn't been so strong or so fast, if she didn't have the durability of a vampire, if she didn't have her blood magic. But she's died before already and Hawke hasn't.
If he died, that'd be it. No one's going to turn him; no one's going to bring him back.
It's weird that he's able to laugh about it. ]
Sounds like you have a lot of luck. Or skill. Or someone's watching over you. [ She pauses. ] I know that's not helpful to hear, though.
More than it ought to. [He manages a bit of a crooked smile, with a hint of resignation to it.] Maybe you've noticed I'm not very good at minding my own business.
I'm also not very good at philosophy. Big questions. Things like, whether the future is set in stone, or if the Maker is guiding us all down some designated path, or if there's any way to change fate.
I don't know what I believe, honestly. But I don't believe that... that my death is so preordained that I couldn't have died before then. That I wasn't just plain lucky, rolling around on that cave floor. That nothing I do and no choices I make will affect my life.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is just some happy horseshit I'm telling myself so I can sleep at night. But I don't think people are meant to know how it works... you know?
Yeah, I've kind of noticed. The part about you not minding your own business.
[ Which will absolutely get him killed one day. Of that, Ava's completely certain. But the rest? He's selling himself a little short. Hawke might not be a philosopher but that doesn't mean he's foolish or stupid; it just means he's a forward thinker, living in the present.
She gives him a nod, squeezing his hand. ]
I wouldn't have... I mean. I don't think-- [ Ava sighs. ] If my death had been completely preventable? Yeah, I would've wanted to try to avoid it. But...something else would've gotten me.
[ And Trent had been persistent. He had picked her; it was going to happen. Running wouldn't have saved her. Avoiding wouldn't have kept her safe. ]
I don't think it's bullshit. Knowing the truth fucks you up.
[It's definitely going to get him killed someday. Of that he has no doubt.]
Yes. I... tried to tell myself that I could stop it if I just-- stop trying. Mind my own business. Never aim to help anyone, ever. But we both know I won't be able to. And even if I could, and if I did, then I wouldn't be someone that I like. I wouldn't be myself.
[He wouldn't even have met Ava if he didn't want to help. Try to help, always, even when people told him not to, and even when it put him out greatly. Perhaps there is a Hawke somewhere out there who cares only for himself, who does things to benefit only himself, and his life's probably a lot happier and calmer for it. But he doesn't like that Hawke at all.]
I don't think the truth is so set in stone, either. So maybe I died in a year or two, the way Cullen knows I did. Maybe I don't. Maybe I get hit by another bus tomorrow and that's it. There's no way of knowing. And if there was, I wouldn't want to.
[Wait... another bus?]
I... I don't want to worry anymore. I could die at any time. Everyone could. I have time now, and I don't want to waste it being afraid. Being miserable.
[ Maybe it's a mean thing to say but Ava knows Hawke well enough by now that she knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was never going to stop being nosy. Was never going to stop throwing himself in danger for other people. That's just who he is.
She leans into him, into his warmth, and wishes she had a beating heart and a warm body to offer him comfort rather than what she has. ]
We don't know what'll happen. But...I agree with you. I want to help you use whatever time you have, no matter how long it is. You should be happy.
It... was when I first got here, I promise. [He laughs under his breath just remembering how clueless he'd been back then. The modern city infrastructure did not come easily to a man from Thedas.
He slid an arm behind Ava, over her shoulder, cradling her close and tilting his head to rest against her. His other hand reached for hers, lacing his fingers, and he nodded.]
Thank you. I can't tell you how much it means to have you beside me.
[There's a few seconds of silence, and he exhales shakily.]
Well. Yes, actually, I can. And I want to. I've been thinking, Ava, and I don't...
[Hmmm. Well. That's not true, is it?]
I do know why I haven't told you. And I think it's the same for you. We're both afraid of hurting each other. But not saying it doesn't mean it's not there.
[He rests his forehead against her and closes his eyes.]
You're very important to me. I care about you. I-- love you. And I want you to hear me say it.
Hawke curls an arm around her and she tucks in close to him, sliding an arm around him in return to hug him. Her hand eventually finds his, holding it, and she rests against him for a time while he speaks. But she starts to hear...something creeping into his voice, and she looks up at him when he says, I do know why I haven't told you.
Alarm bells are going off. Hawke sets his forehead to her own and Ava looks up into his face, eyes a little wide with uncertainty.
There's a small, sharp intake of breath. She frowns. ]
You... You shouldn't.
[ Love her. But she said the same. So does he mean he...just loves her or-- ]
Hawke. I don't want anything to happen to you.
[ Ava, how do those two thoughts go together...? ]
[She's been saying that since the moment they met. He shouldn't get close. He shouldn't be near her. He shouldn't stay with her. He shouldn't be friendly with her. But all those ships sailed ages ago.]
I know you're dangerous. I know your life is complicated. And I know you don't want people close to you to be hurt. [He tilts his head so he can look her in the eyes, a soft and vulnerable smile on his face.] It's the same reasons I'm afraid for you. I'm all those things too. And if I was smart, I wouldn't take the risk, but...
["I'm not smart" isn't quite the sentiment here, but the silence should say everything.]
But that's how I feel. I care about you, so much. Pretending I don't won't change it.
[ Maybe there was a point to those things? Hawke wants to insist he's dangerous and he is but not for the same reasons. He's a powerful mage. She's a bloodsucker. She's a monster. One wrong wake up in the morning could get her draining him dry. It's not fair to him.
Ava frowns deeply. ]
You aren't dumb, Hawke. You act like you are and you might try to convince people you are, but you're not.
[ And she knows better. But this...isn't fully about her. Hawke's wearing that smile that makes her heart melt, and she frowns again, sighing, putting her arms around him to hug him. ]
I just don't want you to get hurt. You're all I have.
[She's gotten to the point where she can see through him that easily. Is it any wonder he's catching feelings for her?
He holds her tight against him, stroking her hair with his palm.]
So are you.
I can't... promise anything. Neither can you. That's just the way this blighted place works. So I won't ask you for anything you can't give.
I can promise that I'll do whatever I can to stay safe. To stay with you, no matter what happens. And whatever you want to offer me... I'll take it. I just want to stay with you.
[ Ava allows him to fold his arms around her and she leans into his touch, into his warmth, and rests her head on his shoulder. She breathes him in with a breath she needn't take, closing her eyes for a moment. Then, quietly: ]
I'll do whatever is necessary to keep you safe...and to keep myself out of trouble. [ Mostly. ] And I won't leave you. Not 'til long after my second death, if it comes to it.
[That's more than he expected he'd get from her. He was quite honestly expecting a brush-off. It would have hurt as bad as anything ever has hurt him, but he'd understand where it was coming from and why.
Instead, she promises to stay with him. She can no doubt feel the way his breath hitches, and his arms tighten around her.]
Thank you. And neither am I. I'll be right here with you, as long as I possibly can.
Not because of Hawke. Hawke is being truthful, is trying his best. But she doesn't believe that he'll be able to stay with her. She supposes she shouldn't expect it to be a long time...but any time is better than none. Ava nods, turns, and kisses his cheek. ]
I will be too. And... I'm sorry I always say I worry. Or that I think you're better off not being near me. I'll try not to say it.
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winterfish
no subject
Date: 2019-11-07 02:55 am (UTC)Have you ever noticed this before? About two years ago, I was traveling across Nevarra and I came across a band of mercs. Bounty hunters. They chased me down and I barely got away, and took an arrow through the shoulder for my trouble. Sticking all the way through. It was awful.
[This sure seems like he's changed the subject...]
I got away, staggered to a cave, and did my best to mend it. Pulled out the arrow, tore up my shirt for a bandage. But it was too rough to heal with magic, and I was low on supplies. It got infected and I laid in that cave for a week, fighting off a fever, delirious from the pain.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-07 03:26 am (UTC)I've seen it.
[ She's seen every inch of Hawke at one point or another. Ava knows where many of his scars are but not their stories. Her frown is deep as she looks at him. ]
Christ. That's... I can't imagine that. Was Wuffles with you?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-07 03:50 am (UTC)[He glances fondly down at Wuffles and nudges him affectionately with his foot.]
I was in rough shape. There were a few times I was certain I was going to die. At one point I woke up feverish and delirious and downed all the rest of my water before I passed out again. The next morning, I had to send Wuffles to get more. But I also turned a corner and started getting better. Two weeks later I was nearly good as new.
[He chuckles like that was an amusing anecdote rather than "that time I nearly died delirious with a gangrenous shoulder wound alone in a cave."]
I could have died any one of those nights. If my fever got too bad, or if my body couldn't heal well enough. If I didn't drink all that water, I might have never woken up again. And if the arrow hit me an inch to the right, I'd have died instantly.
Really... I've come close to dying a lot, for one man. And any one of those could have been the one, if only one little thing was different.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-07 05:16 am (UTC)If he died, that'd be it. No one's going to turn him; no one's going to bring him back.
It's weird that he's able to laugh about it. ]
Sounds like you have a lot of luck. Or skill. Or someone's watching over you. [ She pauses. ] I know that's not helpful to hear, though.
[ But... ]
Does this happen often for you?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-07 05:42 am (UTC)I'm also not very good at philosophy. Big questions. Things like, whether the future is set in stone, or if the Maker is guiding us all down some designated path, or if there's any way to change fate.
I don't know what I believe, honestly. But I don't believe that... that my death is so preordained that I couldn't have died before then. That I wasn't just plain lucky, rolling around on that cave floor. That nothing I do and no choices I make will affect my life.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is just some happy horseshit I'm telling myself so I can sleep at night. But I don't think people are meant to know how it works... you know?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-09 04:37 pm (UTC)[ Which will absolutely get him killed one day. Of that, Ava's completely certain. But the rest? He's selling himself a little short. Hawke might not be a philosopher but that doesn't mean he's foolish or stupid; it just means he's a forward thinker, living in the present.
She gives him a nod, squeezing his hand. ]
I wouldn't have... I mean. I don't think-- [ Ava sighs. ] If my death had been completely preventable? Yeah, I would've wanted to try to avoid it. But...something else would've gotten me.
[ And Trent had been persistent. He had picked her; it was going to happen. Running wouldn't have saved her. Avoiding wouldn't have kept her safe. ]
I don't think it's bullshit. Knowing the truth fucks you up.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-09 05:05 pm (UTC)Yes. I... tried to tell myself that I could stop it if I just-- stop trying. Mind my own business. Never aim to help anyone, ever. But we both know I won't be able to. And even if I could, and if I did, then I wouldn't be someone that I like. I wouldn't be myself.
[He wouldn't even have met Ava if he didn't want to help. Try to help, always, even when people told him not to, and even when it put him out greatly. Perhaps there is a Hawke somewhere out there who cares only for himself, who does things to benefit only himself, and his life's probably a lot happier and calmer for it. But he doesn't like that Hawke at all.]
I don't think the truth is so set in stone, either. So maybe I died in a year or two, the way Cullen knows I did. Maybe I don't. Maybe I get hit by another bus tomorrow and that's it. There's no way of knowing. And if there was, I wouldn't want to.
[Wait... another bus?]
I... I don't want to worry anymore. I could die at any time. Everyone could. I have time now, and I don't want to waste it being afraid. Being miserable.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-09 06:35 pm (UTC)[ Maybe it's a mean thing to say but Ava knows Hawke well enough by now that she knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was never going to stop being nosy. Was never going to stop throwing himself in danger for other people. That's just who he is.
She leans into him, into his warmth, and wishes she had a beating heart and a warm body to offer him comfort rather than what she has. ]
We don't know what'll happen. But...I agree with you. I want to help you use whatever time you have, no matter how long it is. You should be happy.
[ ...Wait. ]
.......Another bus?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-09 06:55 pm (UTC)He slid an arm behind Ava, over her shoulder, cradling her close and tilting his head to rest against her. His other hand reached for hers, lacing his fingers, and he nodded.]
Thank you. I can't tell you how much it means to have you beside me.
[There's a few seconds of silence, and he exhales shakily.]
Well. Yes, actually, I can. And I want to. I've been thinking, Ava, and I don't...
[Hmmm. Well. That's not true, is it?]
I do know why I haven't told you. And I think it's the same for you. We're both afraid of hurting each other. But not saying it doesn't mean it's not there.
[He rests his forehead against her and closes his eyes.]
You're very important to me. I care about you. I-- love you. And I want you to hear me say it.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-10 12:48 am (UTC)Hawke curls an arm around her and she tucks in close to him, sliding an arm around him in return to hug him. Her hand eventually finds his, holding it, and she rests against him for a time while he speaks. But she starts to hear...something creeping into his voice, and she looks up at him when he says, I do know why I haven't told you.
Alarm bells are going off. Hawke sets his forehead to her own and Ava looks up into his face, eyes a little wide with uncertainty.
There's a small, sharp intake of breath. She frowns. ]
You... You shouldn't.
[ Love her. But she said the same. So does he mean he...just loves her or-- ]
Hawke. I don't want anything to happen to you.
[ Ava, how do those two thoughts go together...? ]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-10 02:25 am (UTC)[She's been saying that since the moment they met. He shouldn't get close. He shouldn't be near her. He shouldn't stay with her. He shouldn't be friendly with her. But all those ships sailed ages ago.]
I know you're dangerous. I know your life is complicated. And I know you don't want people close to you to be hurt. [He tilts his head so he can look her in the eyes, a soft and vulnerable smile on his face.] It's the same reasons I'm afraid for you. I'm all those things too. And if I was smart, I wouldn't take the risk, but...
["I'm not smart" isn't quite the sentiment here, but the silence should say everything.]
But that's how I feel. I care about you, so much. Pretending I don't won't change it.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-18 03:04 am (UTC)Ava frowns deeply. ]
You aren't dumb, Hawke. You act like you are and you might try to convince people you are, but you're not.
[ And she knows better. But this...isn't fully about her. Hawke's wearing that smile that makes her heart melt, and she frowns again, sighing, putting her arms around him to hug him. ]
I just don't want you to get hurt. You're all I have.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-18 03:23 am (UTC)[She's gotten to the point where she can see through him that easily. Is it any wonder he's catching feelings for her?
He holds her tight against him, stroking her hair with his palm.]
So are you.
I can't... promise anything. Neither can you. That's just the way this blighted place works. So I won't ask you for anything you can't give.
I can promise that I'll do whatever I can to stay safe. To stay with you, no matter what happens. And whatever you want to offer me... I'll take it. I just want to stay with you.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-18 03:57 am (UTC)I'll do whatever is necessary to keep you safe...and to keep myself out of trouble. [ Mostly. ] And I won't leave you. Not 'til long after my second death, if it comes to it.
[ Wow, this is a little strong. ]
I'm not going anywhere, Hawke. I've got you.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-18 04:10 am (UTC)Instead, she promises to stay with him. She can no doubt feel the way his breath hitches, and his arms tighten around her.]
Thank you. And neither am I. I'll be right here with you, as long as I possibly can.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-18 05:03 am (UTC)Not because of Hawke. Hawke is being truthful, is trying his best. But she doesn't believe that he'll be able to stay with her. She supposes she shouldn't expect it to be a long time...but any time is better than none. Ava nods, turns, and kisses his cheek. ]
I will be too. And... I'm sorry I always say I worry. Or that I think you're better off not being near me. I'll try not to say it.