[ Christ, she really doesn't want to get into this. Jon's rationalizing and just putting himself down with it, rather than backing off and dealing in half-measures. It's either black or white - everything's on fire or everything's fine.
She just sighs. ]
Yeah, it's bad. Plenty of shit is bad, Jon. That's why I compared you to a fledgling vampire. You're not going slowly or carefully when you feed. It's dangerous. But it also doesn't sound like it's entirely your fault. And it's not like the Beholding left you a manual. You probably sleep so you can see those nightmares. That's probably the point.
Whose fault is it if it's not mine? The Beholding? The Web? Something else? At what point does it become entirely my fault? When do I have to take responsibility and try to do something? I have to do something.
Alessandro wants me to take verbal Statements from him. He thinks he'll be all right with it. I'm not sure he will be. But he offered once before, and I told him no and I'm not that strong, Ava. I told him yes this time. I just wish I knew someone who can't sleep.
In regards to selling my soul, yes. But you took two verbal Statements from me already. I owe you two more. If it keeps you from going after others, then it's fine.
[He wants to correct her, to tell her she gave him those. But that's just... more rationalizing, isn't it? Jon holds his proverbial tongue.]
The throwing up blood is supposed to stop me from doing that. You don't owe me those Statements, Ava. Talk to Hawke. Make sure that's actually what you want to do.
Okay, I don't owe you them, but I started a story and I should finish it. If it helps you, I want to give them. I've already lived through these moments, Jon.
I'll talk to Hawke. But you've gotten Statements from people and they haven't been lost to the Beholding, right? Even if I didn't want to be your assistant, you still could get Statements from me and it wouldn't have been an issue, right? The Eye wouldn't have chased me then. I'm not signing my life away but I want to help you. You're my friend.
Lost? No. Targeted for the rest of their lives by a malevolent eldritch fear monster? Yes. Just, I just want you to make these decisions without thinking about what I need. I appreciate it, but Georgie was right. You need to think about what you need, too.
I won't tell you to stop if you give them to me. But just keep that in mind. Okay? You're my friend, too. I don't like hurting you.
Yeah, and that's kind of already happening. So my question is, how is it going to change? I don't know what I need, Jon, but I know I don't want you to shrivel up and die.
I know you don't like hurting me. I don't like you suffering. I'll talk to Hawke.
[She's really doing nothing for his ability to say 'no.']
I don't know. I don't bloody well know how it all works, Ava. I just know that if having one of your Statements is bad, having multiple Statements from you can't be better.
Just... let me know what you decide once you've talked to him. I'm going to go have something to eat.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
She just sighs. ]
Yeah, it's bad.
Plenty of shit is bad, Jon.
That's why I compared you to a fledgling vampire.
You're not going slowly or carefully when you feed.
It's dangerous.
But it also doesn't sound like it's entirely your fault.
And it's not like the Beholding left you a manual.
You probably sleep so you can see those nightmares.
That's probably the point.
no subject
The Beholding?
The Web?
Something else?
At what point does it become entirely my fault?
When do I have to take responsibility and try to do something?
I have to do something.
Alessandro wants me to take verbal Statements from him.
He thinks he'll be all right with it.
I'm not sure he will be.
But he offered once before, and I told him no and I'm not that strong, Ava.
I told him yes this time.
I just wish I knew someone who can't sleep.
no subject
It's not all your fault.
You're not rubbing your hands together and cackling at people's suffering.
You care and it hurts you.
I told you I can give you Statements.
I've already dealt with you in my dreams.
It's fine.
no subject
Ava, it's not fine.
We're trying to keep you away from the Beholding.
I thought we were?
no subject
But you took two verbal Statements from me already.
I owe you two more.
If it keeps you from going after others, then it's fine.
no subject
The throwing up blood is supposed to stop me from doing that.
You don't owe me those Statements, Ava.
Talk to Hawke.
Make sure that's actually what you want to do.
no subject
If it helps you, I want to give them.
I've already lived through these moments, Jon.
I'll talk to Hawke.
But you've gotten Statements from people and they haven't been lost to the Beholding, right?
Even if I didn't want to be your assistant, you still could get Statements from me and it wouldn't have been an issue, right?
The Eye wouldn't have chased me then.
I'm not signing my life away but I want to help you.
You're my friend.
no subject
Targeted for the rest of their lives by a malevolent eldritch fear monster? Yes.
Just, I just want you to make these decisions without thinking about what I need.
I appreciate it, but Georgie was right.
You need to think about what you need, too.
I won't tell you to stop if you give them to me.
But just keep that in mind.
Okay?
You're my friend, too.
I don't like hurting you.
no subject
So my question is, how is it going to change?
I don't know what I need, Jon, but I know I don't want you to shrivel up and die.
I know you don't like hurting me.
I don't like you suffering.
I'll talk to Hawke.
no subject
I don't know.
I don't bloody well know how it all works, Ava.
I just know that if having one of your Statements is bad, having multiple Statements from you can't be better.
Just... let me know what you decide once you've talked to him.
I'm going to go have something to eat.
[All this talk of Statements...]
no subject
But I'll talk to him and I won't go leaping into things, okay?
I promise.
I'll let you go, then.
Talk to you soon.